Monsoon Season Arrives Early

A Quick-Take on Sunak's sloggy election announcement

My first thought seeing little Rishi standing in torrential rain declaring an early election was “Who the hell sent him out in that?” and then I imagined a shady Denathor-type figure in the Bank of England, American Deep-State or Rothschild Island, crunching into cherry tomatoes that splurted and dribbled down his chin. His actual name would probably be etymologically similar to the names currently under investigation for war crimes in Gaza by various institutions of international law. Nevertheless, it had come down from on-high that little Rishi would forlornly ride out to defend the lost position, wade into the surrounding orcs and filth outside, and mount his weirdly oversized lectern for the final stand.

The heavens opened as if even the British weather itself was attempting to wash him and his party away like a stubborn turd clogging up a Mumbai street gutter. His expensive suit, which probably doubled in weight due to saturation, glistened and gleamed in the wet as Sunak rolled out the Tory Party red-meat market stall one last time. Long gone now were Cameron’s lies in 2010 that we would see immigration reduced to below 100,000 per year. Here, at the end of it, we had an Indian trying to tempt us with the red-meat Rwanda boondoggle everyone rolls their eyes at.

But worse was still to come. At least Sunak still had the Institute of Strategic Dialogue’s Public/Private Guide To Charisma to deploy and woo over the journo filth laughing at him. Alas, no, even his ability to be heard was snatched away as some wag around the corner began “Blairing” the 1997 New Labour anthem Things Can Only Get Better. Of course, things didn’t actually get better, and then they got worse again under the Tories. Playing the D:Ream anthem symbolically represents the circular loop of British politics; we’re exactly where we were in 1997, except poorer, less free, and facing a demographic apocalypse. It’s a Chinese finger-trap, and we have no way out of it. The logic of the Zero Seats campaign is to work against the nature of the trap by destabilizing its equilibrium.

Whatever the case, nobody heard or cared what Sunak actually said, and everyone laughed as he squelched his way back to Number 10. Once in a warehouse job I witnessed a man being fired for thieving. As he left the manager’s office, he walked across the work floor with his head pointed down in shame, not looking anyone in the face. Unfortunately, his electronic card pass had already been revoked, and when he reached the main door, he could no longer get out. He was forced to stand facing the door in embarrassment for five excruciating minutes before the secretary finally took pity on him and ushered him out. Having been soaked down to his expensive undies and drowned both literally and audibly, I began to think that perhaps the minions inside Number 10 would place the cherry on the cake of public humiliation by not letting Sunak through the door and leaving him outside in the rain to Things Can Only Get Better for just a little longer than was absolutely necessary, but I was left disappointed.

WTF am I even doing here?

A deluge of hot-takes rained down upon the internet, questioning the sudden announcement of the election, particularly when the Conservatives were in such a weak and historically unpopular position. One take emanating from Andrew Bridgen was that Britain and NATO were already at war with Russia, and Sunak did not wish to be a war-time Prime Minister. While I can appreciate rubbing the salt of cowardice into the tepid korma that constitutes Rishi Sunak, I tend toward the view that if your nation is at war with Russia, you will know about it sooner rather than later.

However, another explanation for the suddenness of the election is that independents and smaller parties will be left high and dry and the primary beneficiary will be Labour. In this view, the Tories are simply handing over the baton and enabling Labour to win a massive stonking majority to give them a free hand to do whatever they see fit. Bridgen could be close to the mark; as the geopolitical situation deteriorates, the Tories (cowards and traitors to the bitter end) are putting their sclerotic old nag of a party out to pasture in order that the Western military and security apparatus can clear the decks and prepare for whatever new wars and turmoil are coming.

As I draw this quick-take to an end, Tory minions within the party are trying to oust Sunak in a vain attempt to keep the grift going long enough to save their paychecks and rattle off CVs to the NGO industrial complex and the corporate world. Like Vegas mobsters trying to keep the lights on in The Tropicana for just one last looting operation before the Feds and “boys from back home” arrive, lower ranking Tories must be screaming in Sunak’s sodden face “What have you done?”

To which, in my innocence, I like to think Sunak replied with, “This all has to end, this evil must stop.” but there I go, getting all idealistic again.

I doubt I shall have much to say on the election itself, but my overall impression is that the establishment is battening down the hatches, and something is going to happen…